Saturday, December 31, 2016

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

I will not delete this blog

This blog always helped me to unravel myself. Without any inhibition, I jotted down everything - my confusions, apprehensions, aspirations and what not. I hardly resorted to a second person narrative. I have been truthful to this blog just like I am truthful to myself.

Many a time, I had begun posts without even knowing how I would end them. Surprisingly, in the end, they revealed to me innumerable things which I was unaware of myself. The blog always helped me to evolve as a person. Since, I became busy with my work, updating blogs also decreased. But never did once, I thought of deleting it. It had already become a part and parcel of my life.

Just a few days ago, I had this strange feeling that I shouldn’t keep this blog. Why? Because for the first time, I felt I was at peace with myself. So many things happened in my life that I started looking at it with a different perspective. It was a surprising revelation at all levels.

 A lot things changed both professionally and personally. The once redundant life started overflowing with energy. Suddenly, there was no confusion, apprehensions and aspirations. Why no aspirations because I started living at the moment. Everything was so clear that I began surprising myself at all levels.

I went short of topics to write. Hence, came the question - Why should I update this blog? Then there came another question - Why should I keep it? Because I never filtered my thoughts and I never tried to be politically correct. Whatever happened in my life, it was all there in the blog. So I thought it’s time to stop telling everyone about what’s going on in my life and then one day, I decided to delete the blog.

Thankfully, something happened in my life (Not that big but changed my perspective again), the very next day that I backed out from deleting it.

In life, you might be in search of so many things - love, career, fame. If you are hardworking and lucky enough, you can get everything. You might be surrounded by people who understands you in and out, but still there remains a part of yourself only you can understand. I tried several times to open it up to the person who understands you the most but in vain. I really do not know how to do it. Perhaps, only you can see that part.

It is this small part of yours that pushes you to strive for the better. This small part is going to remain with you till the end.

So I asked myself “ How can you delete this blog that has helped you to understand that ‘small part’ of yourself.”

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Thursday, September 1, 2016

Have you ever reached that moment when you can't recognize yourself ? I did

Bangalore Diary Part 4
September 1, 2016

For many years, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Everything seemed hunky – dory. But then came a point when life stopped, just like that....... I shocked myself by stopping to recognize me. I have always been my best friend. And one fine morning, she was gone and left me to grope in the dark.  And that could be scary – VERY SCARY.

I always knew that being on the brighter side of life was a Herculean task. But I hardly left no stones unturned to make my life better.  I could easily identify my flaws, earlier. The process of rectifying them made me a stronger person. And, one fine morning, I just forgot how to do that. 

Whenever, I looked at the mirror, I could not recognize the girl in there. That might be the reason why the reflections never got registered in my mind. Another way of putting it is : “I don’t like the girl in the mirror. Because she is so lost and that’s not me.” 

Then, one day reality struck like a thunder bolt. Even the strongest woman could get tired of being strong.

I started thinking of all those personality development quotes which once made me strong but in vain.

Then came the next realization - “I was acting strong.” 

I mean…I was not in fact strong but acting as if I was strong….. Oh My God…..

 After so many years, to be precise 12 years, I shut myself in a room, switched off all the lights and started crying and crying.


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Monday, July 25, 2016

Her Houses

Bangalore Diary - Part 3 
July 25, 2016

It was 2 am in the morning. And we were watching the movie ‘Apartment 143’. She told me about it then.

 “I used to get scratches all over my body…. just like that. I always felt a presence as if someone was watching me. Surprisingly, this is the only house which has spared me from such an experience.”   What surprised me was neither did I disbelieve her nor was I scared. And it was not so me.

Why did I believe her? I did not know and I was so sure that she was not lying.

Her work took her to many places. She had to live in a huge Bunglow, while working in the remotest corner of Bihar. “I was only using one of its rooms. A man would come and prepare food. But he was not staying there,” she says.

 There’s a dense woods nearby.  “I used to hear muffled voices. And these scratches….. I was sure that I had not hit upon something to get those. It all felt sephulchural,” she says.

 Maybe, I was so shaken (not scared) by the whole thing that I did not want to hear anything more on the topic, that night. Besides, the fact that ‘Apartment 143’ was based on a true story was lessening my self confidence to sleep alone in a room. 

Adding fuel to the fire was her boyfriend's remark “When you concentrate on something sharply, you can attract those elements towards you.” I might sound frivolous …But I did not want to invite any such elements that night. I had to switch on the light to sleep.

But the whole conversation excited my curiosity and I asked her the next day.

And she began her story.

Let me tell you, it was not an unusual story. You might have heard lots of such similar stories. But what hit me was the sincerity with which she told the whole story.

Though a Keralite, she was born in Manipur. She was then an only child of her parents. They were living near a dam which was being constructed. Her father was working in the electrical wing associated with it.

She recollects “I used to sleepwalk when I was a child. It was dangerous as I was living near the dam. While sleeping, either my father or my mother would tie a rope on my leg which was tied to them. But one day, I even managed to hoodwink that. Thanks to that someone who spotted me on time.  The habit gradually faded after a point. '” 

Years flew by. She came back to Kerala to do her post graduation. Since the college was away, she had to stay in a hostel. 

There, she met that blue eyed girl. She was one of her room mates. “Something was disturbing her. Her relationship with a guy had gone sour. He was blackmailing her with some of their intimate photographs. She was depressed to the core but confessed to me after a promise that I would not tell it to anybody. But I could not keep my word because she went missing one day,” she reminiscences. 

They searched her everywhere in the hostel but in vain. 

Two days after, their warden informed them that the blue-eyed girl had reached her own house. 

Next day,she was sleeping in her hostel room along with other roommates. It was late midnight and she felt the blue-eyed girl was standing in front of her. She was wearing a white churidhar with blue polka dots on it. 

She was asking amidst sobbing “ Njan paranjirunnathalle arodum parayaruthennu,” ( I have asked you not to talk about it to anybody). And what followed then was a loud scream. 

“I saw her. She was right here wearing a white churidhar with blue polka dots on it,” she told her room mates who were wide awake by then. None of them believed her.

After a year, a police van arrived in their hostel. They wanted to know about that blue-eyed girl. “ She had committed suicide. They showed me her photograph. Dead…wearing a white churidhar with polka dots.”

“That was just the beginning. I had a break from such experiences when I shifted to this house.”

 After that I never got a chance to talk about it.  Though we are always together, I often forget to ask her.

Pic courtesy :