Wednesday, February 27, 2013

RIP my friends

Two of my friends passed away - Shiji eight years back and Chinju just two years ago and I came to know about it yesterday. Shiji died of fever and Chinju had tubal pregnancy. I just could not believe. It came as a shock. They were two innocent girls whom I met when I stepped into the beautiful life of college.  There were 81 students in our class and it was just fun. We all were good friends.  It was just like yesterday.....

 It has been fifteen years since we parted friends. But you well know that friendship knows no boundaries. I am  happy that I came to know after all these years that you are now in safer hands, away from the worries of the world. 

I love you, friends and you will always be there in my prayers. What do you call that friendship when a friend does not mourn her friends' death by shedding two drops of tears, just because it has been years. I am shedding it for you for all the love you had given me.I would not have become what I am today without your presence...

Years can't wipe away those moments we shared together. It is still afresh in my heart and it will always be. I have never seen you after we went on our own ways and I will never meet you again.  You will remain the same old friends who were just 15 years old when we met each other.

LOVE you

RIP my sweet hearts...

Monday, February 25, 2013

Two years ago, I was living and now I merely exist.

( Two years back I looked like this )

I was just trying to figure out the shallowness that crept into my writing.
It no longer gives me a sense of satisfaction. When I was running from pillar to post to have a descent job, jotting down in this blog retained my sanity.

Two years ago, I was at Thiruvananthapuram. I went there to pursue my dream, to make it big in life. I was always short of money. Still, I managed to do a lot of things which actually put me back on the track that led to the path which I always dreamt of. I remember Beatrice Aunty, Tikku and Nadia- my room mates with gratitude who managed to set aside food, most of the days for me in the night as I could not afford buy dinner from outside. I was just paying for my accommodation and not for food.

 I remember frequenting ' Pathayam' and other hotels in the night where I could get gruel for cheaper rate.
Second hand books always came to my rescue if I had to buy books. As I had little money, I would exchange the ones I finished reading.I remember with happiness when the shop keeper of the first stall of that second hand book shop, adjacent to Thiruvananthapuram public library told me with a sad smile that he had no new books left to exchange as I had read almost all the books in his shop.

I still remember teaching 365 days in a spoken English institute for meager salary. I remember with nostalgia about  those hostels where I stayed with negligible facilities. The last hostel I stayed in Thiruvananthapuram had dust accumulated all over. But I was never bothered. I was happy to the core. Now I am staying in a flat all alone. But every night I have to wade through sleeplessness before the goddess of sleep kiss my brow.

 I remember my students with a heart full of joy. It gives me a sense of satisfaction when they give me a call, if they are perplexed about something in their life. There are people who still takes me seriously.

I miss those long strolls which I used to take alone in the lighted city in the night. I met my ex- boyfriend (whom I used to call ' ettan') there. Though the relationship turned sour and I had to end  that five year relationship, my heart still throbs at the thought of that city.

I still remember giving money to him from whatever little I had when he wanted to go to Sabarimala. ( a pilgrimage centre in Kerala). I remember with tears in my eyes when we both went to Althara Devi temple to perform the rites which had to be done before leaving for the shrine There was nobody to help us but us. We did not know whether we did it right. But for us everything was right and our heart were full. I remember anxiously waiting for his call as mobile phones had to be switched off reaching the shrine. I remember him bringing me a ring from there which I could not wear as it was too small for my finger.

I had very few things at my disposal. But it seemed bundles of satisfaction were placed  before me. It always gave me a lot to write.

Now I have everything - job, salary, freedom. But I feel completely lost. Life seems to be floating with no anchor. My life is no more intense, less passionate.

Two years ago, I was living and now I merely exist.

( Now I look like this)
Why a photo comparison?
Just like that

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Big Screen confusion

I think  I have a big screen confusion. I don't have any other word in my possession to describe this confusion .  

What is a big screen confusion? It is just one among the innumerable confusion I already have.

Though I am excited to watch a movie in a theatre, I  forget the majority of the scenes except who acted in it and what the movie is all about.I  can well make out whether it is a good movie or not. That's it.  The whole movie just dissolves away. 

If I have enjoyed any particular one I rent or buy the CD of the movie. Things were different when I was unemployed. I was at the mercy of Televison. When it appears on TV, I watch it, otherwise I just culled out the earnest yearning to watch it. To enjoy a movie, I need a small screen all for myself. That's why I love my laptop....:D

Why such confusion? 

My dad was very protective. He never took us ( me, mom and bro ) to crowded areas where there exist a huge chance for people ogling at you. Hence we missed most of the good films. Though we try our level best to make dad take us for movies, it always fell on deaf ears. In course of time, we learnt to keep all our wishes to ourselves including watching movies. Though me and my bro compensated for it when we started living by ourselves, mom still do not have that opportunity. Though in course of time, dad became liberal in his many ways but not about watching movies at theatres.

Though there are so many things I don't approve of my dad's, I always believes that whatever he does always culminated in the best. Maybe because of it, I developed this sort confusion for the big screen. And no regrets for the confusion.