Monday, February 25, 2013

Two years ago, I was living and now I merely exist.

( Two years back I looked like this )

I was just trying to figure out the shallowness that crept into my writing.
It no longer gives me a sense of satisfaction. When I was running from pillar to post to have a descent job, jotting down in this blog retained my sanity.

Two years ago, I was at Thiruvananthapuram. I went there to pursue my dream, to make it big in life. I was always short of money. Still, I managed to do a lot of things which actually put me back on the track that led to the path which I always dreamt of. I remember Beatrice Aunty, Tikku and Nadia- my room mates with gratitude who managed to set aside food, most of the days for me in the night as I could not afford buy dinner from outside. I was just paying for my accommodation and not for food.

 I remember frequenting ' Pathayam' and other hotels in the night where I could get gruel for cheaper rate.
Second hand books always came to my rescue if I had to buy books. As I had little money, I would exchange the ones I finished reading.I remember with happiness when the shop keeper of the first stall of that second hand book shop, adjacent to Thiruvananthapuram public library told me with a sad smile that he had no new books left to exchange as I had read almost all the books in his shop.

I still remember teaching 365 days in a spoken English institute for meager salary. I remember with nostalgia about  those hostels where I stayed with negligible facilities. The last hostel I stayed in Thiruvananthapuram had dust accumulated all over. But I was never bothered. I was happy to the core. Now I am staying in a flat all alone. But every night I have to wade through sleeplessness before the goddess of sleep kiss my brow.

 I remember my students with a heart full of joy. It gives me a sense of satisfaction when they give me a call, if they are perplexed about something in their life. There are people who still takes me seriously.

I miss those long strolls which I used to take alone in the lighted city in the night. I met my ex- boyfriend (whom I used to call ' ettan') there. Though the relationship turned sour and I had to end  that five year relationship, my heart still throbs at the thought of that city.

I still remember giving money to him from whatever little I had when he wanted to go to Sabarimala. ( a pilgrimage centre in Kerala). I remember with tears in my eyes when we both went to Althara Devi temple to perform the rites which had to be done before leaving for the shrine There was nobody to help us but us. We did not know whether we did it right. But for us everything was right and our heart were full. I remember anxiously waiting for his call as mobile phones had to be switched off reaching the shrine. I remember him bringing me a ring from there which I could not wear as it was too small for my finger.

I had very few things at my disposal. But it seemed bundles of satisfaction were placed  before me. It always gave me a lot to write.

Now I have everything - job, salary, freedom. But I feel completely lost. Life seems to be floating with no anchor. My life is no more intense, less passionate.

Two years ago, I was living and now I merely exist.

( Now I look like this)
Why a photo comparison?
Just like that